New Marske Institute Club, "Club News", February 2012, Issue Number 330.
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News,1. Live Music.
News,2. Charity Events.
News,3. Subscriptions and Membership. Late renewal.
News,4. It happened this month Long Ago.
Sport,1. Snooker News.
Recipe.
Humour,1, A load of balls.
Humour,2, Humour from Ron W.
Humour,3, Giggles for Children and members of similar mental age.
Advert, New Marske Allotment Association.
Advert, New Marske Builders.
Advert, Garage Roller Shutter Doors.
The Last Word.
News,1.
Live Music.
Over the Christmas and New Year period we had live entertainment in the lounge, BJ Stevens tribute to Elvis and an evening with No Regrets. Both were enjoyed by many of our members and their guests. Just as important sufficient money was spent over the bar to just cover the costs.
The hope is to make this a regular event in the lounge. The preferred evening is Thursday. However some of our members do not wish to see our Club clashing with the Cutty Wren Folk Club so if the music has a Folk theme then Tuesday would be preferred.
So now we need our members help. Can you recommend any locally known solo or duo acts? We can pay up to £150. The format being starting at about 8pm, a few beer breaks?, with the last song at 11pm when last orders are called.
All bookings are being done by our Club's Secretary, Peter Lawson. Have a word with him, or put a note over the bar, or E-mail:-
stephenlawson72@btinternet.com
News,2.
Charity Events.
The Charity Event in Aid of Breast Cancer and Testicular Cancer on Saturday 12th November 2011 raised about £3,000. There is still a few pounds to come in. Thanks to all involved.
Is there a charity that you are actively involved with that you would like the run a fundraising event for? See Nige or any of the Committee members.
News,3.
Subscriptions and Membership.
Late renewal.
The Management Committee is aware that a number of our regulars are down with colds and flu. In view of this, the membership renewal envelopes will still be available for some time after the normal end of January cut off. The late renewal charge will also be waived.
Membership Checks.
Starting in March there will be regular membership checks on the door. If you don't always carry your membership card with you write your membership number down on something you do normally have with you. For example you could put it in the memory on your mobile phone. By just giving your membership number you can be easily checked on the membership list.
What do you get for your membership?
You can come into the Club on your own.
You can bring guests into the Club.
You can book the Lounge or the Concert Room for a private party.
You can vote at the AGM and Half Year AGM.
Lastly there is old fashioned Club loyalty.
News,4.
It happened this month Long Ago.
February 4th 1953.
Sweet rationing ended in Britain.
Sport,1.
Cleveland Billiards & Snooker League,
Division Two,
2011/2012.
Sponsored by Coors.
04.01.12.
New Marske 'A' home to Guis Cons 'C'.
R Greenwood 62, D Robinson 37.
R Greenwood 44, D Robinson 57.
J Milner 56, N Grainger 47.
J Milner 52, N Grainger 17.
K Corner 49, C Buckton 45.
K Corner 71, C Buckton 30.
New Marske 'A' 5 - Guis Cons 'C' 1.
11.01.12.
New Marske 'A' away to Redcar Citz 'A'.
R Greenwood 34, P Anderson (16 break)56.
R Greenwood (17 break) 54, P Anderson 44.
R Sivills (22 & 14 breaks) 68, P Piggins 26.
R Sivills (18, 44 & 24 breaks) 91, P Piggins 10.
K Corner 18, T Kilpatrick (25 break) 61.
K Corner 28, T Kilpatrick (25 break) 55.
New Marske 'A' 3 - Redcar Citz 'A' 3.
18.01.12.
New Marske 'A' home to Carlin How 'B'.
K Corner 22, D Rudd (24 & 20 breaks) 71.
K Corner 9, D Rudd (55, 51 & 18 breaks) 107.
R Sivills (16 break) 47, B Magor 55.
R Sivills 46, B Magor 49.
R Greenwood 34, J Rudd (33 break) 53.
R Greenwood (21 break) 58, J Rudd 51.
New Marske 'A' 1 - Carlin How 'B' 5.
25.01.12.
New Marske 'A' home to Staithes.
R Sivills (16 break) 66, R Gibson 19.
R Sivills (22 break) 47, R Gibson 46.
K Corner 67, J Beattie 35.
K Corner 52, J Beattie 28.
R Greenwood 56, B Simpson 36.
R Greenwood 37, B Simpson 38.
New Marske 'A' 5 - Staithes 1.
Recipe.
Recipe selected by Barbara Hebden.
Chicken and Vegetable Stir Fry.
Serves 4.
Ingredients.
500g Boneless chicken breasts.
2 tbspn Soy sauce.
1 tspn Curry powder.
Juice of one lemon.
1 tsp Olive oil.
1 Medium onion peeled and chopped.
3 Medium carrots peeled and cut into strips.
½ Medium sized head of broccoli or cauliflower trimmed and cut into small florets.
Handful of stringless green beans cut into strips.
3 Garlic cloves peeled and crushed.
1 Red and 1 yellow pepper cored and diced.
1 Bag of fresh spinach.
Handful of fresh basil leaves chopped.
Salt and pepper.
Method.
Cut the chicken breasts into strips. Mix them with the soy sauce. Mix the curry powder with the lemon juice to make a paste and season with salt and pepper. Put the strips of chicken into the paste and turn them until they are well coated. Heat the oil in a wok and add the onion and chicken and fry until cooked. Add the remaining vegetables except the spinach and fry for 1½
minutes. Add the spinach and turn off the heat. The spinach will wilt down in the heat of the pan. Sprinkle with chopped basil and serve with rice or mashed potatoes.
Humour,1.
A load of balls.
In the heyday of sailing ships, all war ships and many freighters carried iron cannons. Those cannons fired round iron cannon balls. It was necessary to keep a good supply near the cannon, but prevent them from rolling about the deck. The best storage method devised was a square based pyramid with one ball on top, resting on four resting on nine, which rested on sixteen.
Thus, a supply of thirty cannon balls could be stacked in a small area right next to the cannon. There was only one problem - how to prevent the bottom layer from sliding/rolling from under the others. The solution was a metal plate called a, "Monkey" with sixteen round indentations. If this plate were made of iron, the iron balls would quickly rust to it. The solution to the rusting problem was to make, "Brass Monkeys". There is one problem with this. Brass contracts much more than iron when cold. Consequently, when temperature dropped too far, the brass indentations would shrink so much that the cannon balls would come right off the monkey.
Thus, it was quite literally, "Cold enough to freeze the balls of a brass monkey".
Humour,2.
Humour from Ron W.
Weird, Bizarre and Unusual.
Wonder what that judge was smoking?
Two Keene State (New Hampshire) College students gave police permission to search their dorm room, where six ounces of marijuana were uncovered. Judge Philip Mangones later ruled the students were too "stoned" to understand the ramifications of their decision, therefore, the search was unconstitutional, so they were released.
Too bad his chickens couldn't sing don't be cruel.
The man who discovered Elvis Presley, Colonel Tom Parker, was already a successful showman with his "Colonel Parker's Dancing Chickens". To make his chickens dance, the Colonel simply turn up the heat on the "stage", which was nothing more than an electric hot plate with its sides covered.
A brief note in the news.
A federal trademark infringement suit against the Chosen Sons of God Motorcycle Club Ministries was won by the Sons of God Motorcycle Club Ministry.
Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck exposed!
After visiting Disneyland, Billy Jean Matey filed a lawsuit in Orange County, California, claiming she and her grandchildren suffered from negligence and emotional distress inflicted on them because they caught a glimpse of Disney characters taking off their costumes, "exposing the children to the reality of the fact that the characters are only make believe."
Proving nobody can think of everything.
Liverpool, has a famous, and very necessary Mersey Tunnel, which handles much traffic, including city buses. Unfortunately, after Arriva North West, owners of that bus company, spent £5 million on new buses, it was discovered the vehicles were all 1.5 inches too wide to enter that tunnel, causing drivers to transport passengers an extra eight miles.
Eventually, Elvis really was all shook up.
Rock legend Elvis Aaron Presley (1935-1977) was prescribed an estimated 20,000 doses of narcotics, anti-depressants, sedatives, and stimulants during the last two years of his life by Doctor George Nichopoulos. "The King" also kept a goodly variety of illegal street drugs for convenient consumption. After autopsy, the pathologist reported he had never examined or heard of another human body with as much and as many drugs as was found in Elvis' corpse.
He really believed "there's no business like show business".
Orville Stamm was a very sturdy entertainer. While a piano rested on his chest, he would sing "Ireland Must be Heaven because Mother Comes From There", while the piano player jumped up and down on his thighs.
Well, at least his apartment stayed clean.
Jermund Skogstad, 50, of Oslo, Norway, moved into his new apartment, then immediately left to shop for food. Unfortunately, he forgot his wallet, which had his new address inside, and soon he realized he could not find his way back to his new apartment. "How embarrassing," he told a local newspaper a month later, hoping his new landlady, to whom he had paid a months rent in advance, might read his story in the paper.
A coffee shop which also serves beef.
Ethem Sahim was laughing and having a great time playing dominoes in his local coffee shop, when a cow fell through the roof and knocked him cold. It had happened because that coffee shop sat snug against a mountain, with its flat roof at the exact level of a grass covered plateau behind. This had allowed the cow to wander onto the roof, where it collapsed through the ceiling onto Mr. Sahim's head.
Another for the "really stupid file".
A twenty-three-year-old man called the police in Chandler, Arizona, after "accidentally" handcuffing himself, then losing the key. When police arrived at his home, instead of releasing the man, they used his own handcuffs for a trip to jail, where he was kept on an outstanding warrant.
But virtually all fans never noticed the difference.
The men's basketball team at Western Illinois University had played several games in their new home jerseys before someone noticed "Illinois" was spelled "Illinios". For the rest of the season, they wore only their "away" jerseys.
(Beep!) This is god calling.
The Catholic magazine Famiglia Cristiana published an editorial urging priests with cell phones to switch them off while administering sacrament, after one woman complained her confessional was made much more stressful by the priest's phone ringing.
Probably wore out his shoe kicking himself later.
The grandfather of famous 1940s movie star Lana Turner was once a major investor in a struggling soft drink company named Coca-Cola. Deciding a soft drink named Coca Cola could never become popular, he withdrew his investment and sank the money in a soft drink company with a surefire name: The Raspberry Cola Company.
More next month
Ron W.
Humour,3.
Giggles for Children and members of similar mental age.
What's the worst thing about being an octopus?
Washing you hands before dinner.
Why did the man stare at the bottle of orange juice?
Because it said 'concentrate'.
Who beats his chest and swings from cake to cake?
Tarzipan.
What did the pig say when he was getting hot in the sun?
I'm bacon out here.
What runs around the forest and makes all the animals yawn?
A wild bore.
Who wore the first shell suit?
Humpty Dumpty.
Knock knock;
Who's there?
Wayne;
Wayne who?
Wayne in a manger!
Knock knock;
Who's there?
Wenceslas;
Wenceslas who?
Wenceslas bus home!
When does the cart come before the horse?
In a dictionary.
What do you serve but never eat?
A tennis ball.
Why did the man at the orange juice factory lose his job?
He couldn't concentrate.
What's a ghost's favourite day of the week?
Frightday.
What do you call a carousel that can't stop?
A merry-go-round and round.
Why shouldn't you starve in the desert?
Because of all the "sand-which-is" there.
What's the wettest animal?
A raindeer.
Why did the fish blush?
It saw the ship's bottom.
How do mountains hear?
With their mountain-ears.
What kind of money do polar bears use?
Ice lolly.
Where's Hadrian's wall?
Around Hadrian's garden.
What's small and blue?
A mouse holding it's breath.
What does a teddy bear put in his house?
Fur-niture.
Why are birds poor?
Because money doesn't grow on trees.
What did one autumn leaf say to another?
I'm falling for you.
How can you tell if a bee is on the phone?
You get a buzzy signal.
What do you call a dinosaur that drinks PG Tips?
A Tea-Rex.
What always comes in to the house through the keyhole?
A key.
How can a pocket be empty and still have something in it?
When it has a hole in it.
What do birds say on Halloween?
Trick or tweet.
How do you make a Swiss role?
Push him down the hill.
What do the moon and false teeth have in common?
They both come out at night.
What did the light bulb say to the switch?
You turn me on.
Why is it no use putting an advert in the paper if your dog is lost?
Because dogs can't read.
What has arms and legs but no head?
A chair.
How do you identify a dogwood tree?
By it's bark.
What do you call a woman juggling six cans of beer?
Beatrix (beer tricks).
What's more dangerous than being with a fool?
Fooling with a bee.
What do you call a magician with no money?
A cheap trick.
What do you get hanging from an apple tree?
Sore arms.
What's an insect's favourite game?
Cricket.
What cake plays the loudest music?
A gateau blaster.
Why do elephants have trunks?
They'd look silly with handbags.
What do you always get on your birthday?
Older.
What do you call a wake-up call from a chicken?
An alarm cluck.
What food do maths teachers eat?
Square meals.
What do you get when you cross a DJ with a pig?
Pork scratchings.
Why did the boy throw butter out of the window?
He wanted to see a butterfly.
What did the snail say when he went for a ride on the tortoise's back?
Wheeeee.
What kind of driver never gets a speeding ticket?
A screwdriver.
What game do cows like best?
Moo-nopoly.
What do you get if you cross Santa with a flying saucer?
U F ho ho ho!
Who were the invisible man's parents?
His transparents.
Why did the farmer buy a brown cow?
Because he wanted chocolate milk.
When are eyes not eyes?
When the wind makes them water.
Why is an empty purse always the same?
Because there's never any change in it.
Why did the dog cross the road?
To get to the barking lot.
Why was the snake so good at sums?
It was an adder.
Why do ears hear?
Only the nose knows.
What did the ground say to the earthquake?
You crack me up.
Why was the centipede late?
He was playing "This little piggy" with his baby brother.
What has 50 legs but can't walk?
Half a centipede.
What's a pig's favourite ballet?
Swine Lake.
What did one toilet say to the other toilet?
You look a little flushed.
Where do vampires go on holiday?
The Isle of Fright.
What do you call a scared biscuit?
A cowardy custard cream.
What do you call fishing when you are not catching any fish?
Drowning worms.
What did the tornado say to the car?
You wanna go for a spin?
What did one plate say to the other?
Lunch is on me.
Why did the football player bring string to the game?
So the score would be tied.
What kind of shoes do spies wear?
Sneakers.
What do you call a lady leaning against a wall?
Eileen.
Why did the cat run away from the tree?
It barked.
How did the telephones get married?
They exchanged rings.
What do you call a cow with two short legs?
Lean beef.
How do you stop a fish from smelling?
Cut of it's nose.
What do you give a dog with a fever?
Mustard, it's the best thing for a hot dog.
Advert.
New Marske Allotment Association.
Plots £23 per annum each, or share.
O.A.P £13.50.
Tel. 485622 or visit the Allotment Shop.
Open 10.30 – 12.00 Sat & Sun.
All your gardening needs.
Seeds, eggs, trays, plants, compost, etc.
Non-profit making organisation.
Advert.
New Marske Builders
Building & Joinery Work
Property
&
Roof Repairs
UPVC Windows Fitted
By Club Member
Allen Hebden
Tel 471221
Advert.
Garage Roller Shutter Doors.
Made to your requirements.
Secure.
Electric operated.
Insulated available.
Local company with over 25 years experience.
Tel 01642-482123.
Ryans Row,
Longbeck Trading Estate,
Marske-by-the-Sea,
TS11 6HB.
www.mfdoors.co.uk
The Last Word.
Lord Deedes:-
Political apathy adds greatly to the power of the governing party.
Ann Widdecombe MP:-
Mr Right never came along. And it was never a sufficient priority to go out looking for him.
Roger Babson:-
Let him who would enjoy a good future waste none of his present.
Derek Heathcote Amory, Chancellor of the Exchequer:-
There are three things not worth running after, a bus, a woman and a new economic panacea. Why? Because there would always be another one along shortly.
George Orwell:-
In our time, political speech and writings are largely the defence of the indefensible.